O O ZZZZZZZZ 0 0 0 0 Z EEEEEE O OO O Z E O OO O z E 1 O OO O Z EEEEE O O O O Z E 0 0 OO z E ZZZZZZZZ EEEEEE ________________________________________Spring 94 Welcome to Ooze 1 Text version! This version is for people who don't have Macs, and can't find a hardcopy on their local newsstands, and wary Mac users who were too skittish to invest the download time on the much snazzier, funnier all color version with PICTs and SNDs. RATED "SAFE" BY THE U.S.D.A. ------------------------------------- From the Editor's Desk Dear Readers: There seems to be a widespread misconception that I have no true appreciation for the arts. This is completely untrue. I've always enjoyed Norman Rockwell's work, particularly that picture of the smiling boy on Christmas morning. I'm also a big fan of popular music: Montovani, Placido Domingo, and Journey's 1981 album, "Escape". However, much of today's so-called "art" is actually repulsive, disgusting, pinko-liberal, homosexual smut. In an effort to educate the public on the proliferation of this sort of lascivious, semen- drenched mindrot, I've culled the worst trash I could find to come up with this issue of Ooze. It's a collection of work that should put the NEA out of business forever: controversial, incomprehensible, foul-smelling, and repellent. If you are faint of heart, you may not want to venture further into these pages. Or, if you are intellectually curious, like me, you may stay up all night in a thorough effort to... probe through the decay of Western Civilization. At certain points I thought I might actually go blind. Whatever you do, keep Ooze away from the children. Yours in Peace, Sen. Jesse Helms -------------------------------------------- After our last issue, we were flooded with mail. Unfortunately, we simply don't have enough space to respond to all your letters personally. We'd like to give special thanks to Debbie from Tacoma, Washington for the terrific chunk of homemade head cheese she sent us, and a big wet kiss to Boris Yeltsin who made Ooze the official magazine of the Russian Republic. Dear Ooze: Is Amy Carter retarded? No, the former President's daughter is actually intellectually advanced! To the editor: My name is Julie and I am 16years old, and have not gotten my period yet. Am I normal? My mother says I'm a freak. She's right! You are probably a witch too, so we have sent to police to your house. In fact, you're surrounded. Come out with your hands up and you will not be harmed. _________________________________________ Staff: Matt Patterson Edward Schmidt Joe Wagner Gabe Wardell Matt Broesma Whitney Fitzgerald Nubba Ooze is published Quarterly. All Material is Copyright 1994 by Matt Patterson Ooze is also a regular paper Zine, and available by 1st class snail mail at $6 /4 issues or $1.50 for a sample(Cash or Money Order best). This Zine is super cool-o and has lots of extra stuff in it. (Suitable for framing) Contact Ooze via Internet at drbubonic@AOL.com or snailmail: Ooze 968 Tularosa Dr. #2 LA CA 90026 Ooze is available IN COLOR with GRAPHICS and SOUNDS on Macintosh Compatible Computers. Check for it on your fave BB (on America Online-keyword: Ooze On GEnie- Mac Games RT: somewhere in there) Compuserve: mac entertainment forum\game aides Or send us $2 US or $6/4 issues (cash is best) You get a full pretty hard-copy with extra stories and graphics, random Hollywood headshots, and anything else I find around the house. It's how you become cool! ACT NOW AND GET ISSUE 2 FREE! Well, they're all sort of free. Issue#2 and #3 Mac and text available! drbubonic@aol.com for details! Visit our website at http://www.io.com/user/ooze/ Any similarity to anyone mentioned in this e-zine and anyone who is alive, or ever was alive, is purely coincidental. Even the staff box. ******************************************** Bar Mitzvahed by Batman I had to meet Batman. Maybe I was going a bit overboard with my excitement, but this was the one opportunity to see my childhood idol in the flesh and I wasn't about to take it lightly. When I finally reached the auditorium, I took a deep, anticipatory breath and opened the door. The room was about half-filled, so I slid easily into a row near the front. A commanding baritone filled the air. I looked up at the podium, and there stood modern manhood. Batman himself. Or, I should say, Adam West, the actor who portrayed Batman in the classic '60s TV show. While there might have been a difference, it didnÍt matter to me. This was the man to whom all of my own comic book heroes were measured; the yardstick of machismo, and the King of Suave. Or, at least he was when I was eight years old. I donÍt remember much of what Adam was saying when I entered, because I was only listening to the sound. His voice was exactly the same as it was on TV twenty fire years ago, right down to the little pauses, deep breaths, and melodramatic inflections. I expected him to yell, "To the Batpoles!",then pull back the bust of Shakespeare and blaze offstage with the patented arms akimbo half-jog/half-strut. So what if he was paunchy and had lost some hair? Adam still looked kind of, well, debonair. And it wasn't like I expected Arnold Schwartzenegger. Let's face it, he was pretty out of shape on the original show, anyway. When I got over the initial high, I began to look around the room at the audience. Mostly, they were just a bunch of young slackers who figured that an hour with a TV personality was better than sitting through Calculus. Nobody had their mouth hanging open like I did. The speech wasnÍt great, although Adam did reveal his somehwat delusional frustrations about not being chosen to play Batman in the feature film. Despite the nostalgic appeal he may have had, Adam would have looked a wee bit silly running around in those tights at age sixty-plus. Following the talk, there was a mercifully brief question-and-answer period. (I was getting antsy to press the flesh). Adam fielded queries from the stupid ("Yo man, didnÍt you think Catwoman was hot?") to the technical ("Like, in episode forty-two, when the Penguin was about to boil you alive in goat's milk, how'd you manage to get free?") After the program, a long line formed outside the auditorium, kids eager to hold audience with Mr. West. I reached into my coat and pulled out an 8 1/2 by 11 Batman still photo, hoping to get a big, juicy autograph. I tried to keep it hidden so nobody would think I was a stalker or something. Jesus, I had to get SOME record of the event. As I waited, I watched other people whip out their memorabilia, and it became apparent that there were a lot more geeks there than just me. I breathed a quick sigh of relief, and prayed none of them would try to strike up conversation. It seemed like hours, but finally my turn came. As I approached the Caped Crusader, I could feel my heart thumping faster. "I just wanted you to know that as far as IÍm concerned, youÍll always be the embodiment of Batman," I blurted out sincerely. Adam looked me straight in the eyes and flashed his warmest smile. "Well, thank you very much," he said in the voice that melted hearts. "Would you sign this, please? I brought my own," I said, reaching over the stack of pictures he was selling and handing him mine. "Why, sure," Batman replied. He was so accomodating, I decided to push him further. "I do a really good impression of you," I told him. "Oh, really?" he asked as he autographed the picture. "Well, it would really mean a lot to me if youÍd just say..." I paused and dropped my range a few pitches into Batspeak, "we haven't ...a moment...to lose!" I couldn't believe I had just done my Adam West for Adam West. He even looked a little surprised. "We haven't a moment to lose!" Batman repeated, missing the inflection slightly, but nevertheless delivering the immortal line. I nearly wet my pants. The people behind me were starting to get restless, pushing, but I ignored them. "One more, please..?" I asked, "just say, 'I'll rend you limb...from limb!" He repeated it again with even more verve. "Aww, youÍve made my day!" I yelled as I walked away. He let out a hearty middle-aged man laugh, genuinely touched that I treated him like such an icon. Well, he WAS an icon. He was The Batman. I walked back into the sunshine entranced. A great burden had been lifted from my soul. It was as if by talking face to face with a boyhood idol, I had officially ended childhood. The torch had been passed. We were equals, now, Batman and I. Adam had given his consent, and I was fit to become a man. You could say that I was bar mitzvahed by Batman. NEXT: JOURNEY TO MECCA WITH BOB DENVER ________________________________________ Prom Themes and Formal Ideas Why are prom themes always so lame? How many times can we sit through yet another 70's nite, or Roaring 20's event and not fall asleep? Here are some suggestions to wash the prom blues away. [descriptions of cool illustrations you canÍt see provided-ed] Theme: Medieval Banquet Song: Aqualung, Jethro Tull Meal: Roast Joint, Mead, Pig in a Blanket, Rice Pilaf and no utensils. Decor: Roving bands of wild dogs, torture devices (racks, iron maidens, stockades), King and Queen of prom joust for supremacy, large sharp objects, wandering wenches, Black Plague. Get splashed in the face with hot oil when your ticket is checked. (Picture: Guys in armor holding punch. Principal skewered on lance. The men wear bow ties and cumberbuns.) Theme: Black Mass Song: 59th Street Bridge Song, Simon and Garfunkel Meal: LambÍs blood, virgin cocktails, Eye of Newt, fish sticks, Devil's Food cake, fries served by Anton La Vey. Decor: Black fatty candles, upside down cross, defiled religious icons, sex orgy, streamers, band plays songs backwards, Ozzy Osbourne Memorial Bat Biting contest. (Picture: People sock-hopping in black robes weilding curved daggers.The men wear white bow ties.) Theme: Polka! Party USA Song: Hotel California, Lenny Gamulka and Polka Java Meal: BratwÄrst, KnockwÄrst, Buttwurst, Wiener Schnitzel, Sauerbraten, Moussey, Pork Strudel, punch Decor: Polka dots, inflateable suspended accordions, free kisses from hairy German men (Picture of kids in formal leiderhousen kissing.) Theme: Inside the Human Heart Song: Barracuda- Heart Meal: Fried Stuff Decor: Four rooms, red tuxedos, chaperones dressed as white blood cells.(Picture of organs with white bow ties and cumberbuns dancing. The women organs are wearing low cut dresses.) Theme: An Evening in the Gulag Song: We Gotta Get Outta This Place, The Animals Meal: Lumpy gruel for first five couples, everyone else sits on the floor and starves. Decor: Hard Labor, solitary confinement, dirt, fake snow storm, Principal shoots at people who try to escape. (Picture of kids in formalwear chained to the floors. They are being served lumpy garbage, and the Principal is toting a shotgun.) Theme: JFK Assasination Song: Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Pat Benetar Meal: Head Cheese sandwiches, Boston Creme Pie, Jelly Doughnuts. Decor: Zaphruder film looped, a grassy knoll, prom pics in cut out of President's limo at moment of death, prom program printed on recycled Warren Commission reports. (Kids in limo outside Dealy Plaza. Sniper aiming at them, and hoisting some form of party coctail.) ____________________________________ 1040 EZR Tax form for the stupid. Enter the amount you made in 1993 on line 1 __________ 1. Take your pen and count over one place to the left from the little dot. (The decimal place) Enter that amount on line 2 That's your tax. Live with it. __________ 2. Do you want to give the Government more money? (Circle one) Y N If "Yes" then enter that amount here. __________ 3. Add lines 2 and 3 together. __________ 4. Send the amount on line 4 to: The Government PO Box 1 Washington DC 00000 ____________________________ GAMES Our Crack Computer Team took 7 months to decode these enigmas. Can YOU beat their time? Unscramble these Bodily Fluids! odobl GHMLPH IBLE USP SNEME Xwa rae wteas epe yee poog OTSN TCEMEN IPST OPOP LIO EARTS FUN WITH ANAGRAMS! [LA Theme] Ooze Zoo-e E-Z? Oo! L.A. Riots To Stali! Rio Salt Malibu Fires Serf Bulimia Limber au fis Dick Riordan A Droid Nick Kid Noid car RN Earthquake Eat He-Quark The Quak Ear 6.8 8.6 86. Showbiz Whizbos Shizbow CONNECT THE DOTS 1* 2* (HINT: Buckingham Palace) ------------------------------- Quotable Quotables "I'm so goddamn clever I could just shit." -Oscar Wilde "Using Cliches is like beating a dead horse" - an anonymous unemployed English teacher "No, it's a nice day out, letÍs drive with the top down." --JFK "Not tonight, IÍve got a headache." -Mary "Hey, are you sure these headphones are in stereo?" --Vincent Van Gogh "That's the Launch button, not the Lunch button, idiot!" -Last radio contact with the Challenger Shuttle "Would you like to see my stamp collection?" - Jeffrey Dahmer "Spank me, spank me harder. Yes! That reminds me of a story about a frog..." -Mark Twain "Shit! Where's my sled? Oh well.. Fuck it." -Santa Claus "What do you mean I'm wrong? I say that I landed on Free Parking. I can't be wrong. Trust me. I'm infallible" -The Pope ----------------------------- A STUPID LIFE.... No matter what you do in life, you're bound to look back on it and feel pretty stupid. Even if you're a celebrated, Nobel prize-winning physicist, you'll probably still shudder when you remember spilling Hawaiian Punch at the eighth grade formal. Face it, human beings do really dumb things. And all the stuff you considered "cool" will ultimately seem incredibly retarted to future generations. Just look at photos of your parents in leisure suits and you'll know what I mean. Since I began to believe in the Law of Stupidity, it has actually increased my enjoyment of life, and my ability to take risks. This does not mean that I advocate heroin abuse, polygamy, or posing for Juggs, but that I'm not afraid to do things I want to do for fear of looking like an idiot. Why bother being prudent, or living according to someone elseÍs definition of 'hipness' that will be destroyed anyway? Included below are a few suggestions for beating the Law of Stupidity: 1) Wear whatever you want. Dress in the clothes that make you feel comfortable, because all fashion looks terrible in five years anyway. I'm not out to create a master race of thin leather ties, velour sweaters and parachute pants, but if that's what's in your closet, fine. More power to you. Pretend it's 1986 and wear ten layers of pink polos with all the collars turned up. Go crazy. I own four pairs of VANS, the slip-on shoes with the goofy patterns on them. They're normally only seen on twelve year old dirt bikers and Spicoli in "Fast Times At Ridgemont High,î but I think theyÍre great. I bet the jocks who wore their Air Jordans to the prom donÍt still love their old footwear. Don't worry if the clothes you wear are totally drab and out of style. People will just mistake you for a college professor. 2) Don't be scared of acting like a dork. Nobody really wants to be called a dork, probably one of the ugliest words in the English language. Dork is kind of like dick and jerk combined, with a little dweeb thrown in for good measure. But life's true dorks, mimes, lawyers, physics teachers, probably never realize it. In fact, they're the ones who will call you a dork for driving around in the car listening to the Ethel Merman Disco album at top volume, or for wearing a Depends undergarment and peeing in your pants just to see what it feels like. So who cares what they think? If people canÍt take a joke, it's not your problem. If you want to throw spaghetti out of a ten story window, or prank phone call televangelists, live it up. You know how to have a good time. This way, if you laugh at yourself later in life, at least youÍll have been in on the joke. Who wants their life's regret be that they never dropped pennies on peopleÍs heads at the Air and Space Museum? 3) Don't try to impress anyone. I always get very angry when people refer to something they like as a "guilty pleasure." What the hell does that mean? That you're too wimpy to admit you really liked it? Fuck you, snob! It's not like your girlfriend is going to leave you when she finds out you thought "Cannonball Run II" was the funniest movie youÍd ever seen. (Well, maybe she would). But why snooze through some foreign film just to win intellectual nods at boring parties with bad cheese? If you loved "Cannonball Run II", tell the world! When I was a kid, my favorite TV show was "Harper Valley PTA," an early 80s sitcom starring Barbara Eden. I thought this was the greatest program in the history of television. When it was cancelled, I actually collected 100 signatures for a petition to keep the show on the air. I sent this to the President of NBC! Dorky? Of course. And to top it off, I saw the show recently and it sucked. Big time. But so what? IÍm not afraid to admit I had bad taste, not when most of my snot picking peers were cracking up over "The Dukes of Hazard" or "BJ and The Bear." Face it, the Law of Stupidity rules the galaxy. Don't get uptight about it. I just hope the audience that plans its schedules around "Melrose Place" remembers this when theyÍre watching the show in syndication at the nursing home. Don't be ashamed to feel stupid. It's inevitable. ------------------------------------ Fads That Never Quite Caught On From the 50's onwards, a whole mess of fads swept the youth of this great nation. Fads like goldfish swallowing, stuffing newspapers into dorm rooms, stuffing people into cars and phone booths, tie-dyed shirts, etc. Fads can bring fame and fortune to whomever came up with the idea. Stars in their eyes, many have tried to create fads, but with little or no success. [Pictures not included] Rake swallowing Inflatable tube socks Hula Hats Pinecone racing Ritualistic Paper Cuts Barbed Wire friendship bracelets (and accessories) Argyle jumpsuits Chia underwear Mood shoes Pet Formica Impersonating the mentally ill Looting Zit stuffing Chapped Lip Collecting ------------------------ Classifieds $.25 buys you a little scrap of paper seen by all your cool friends. Meet the person of your dreams! Sell something, I DON'T CARE. Gail Weimer rocks the house! Happy Birthday Kevin! Hope your herpes goes into remission soon! Pretension Nite at Cafe Cool. Bring a black turtleneck and a small french cigarette and get a free cappucino! 1980 Datsun, license plate 1ASD435, your lights are on. Metrics rule! Kill anyone caught using the "English" system. Huge Bookburning at the newly opened library downtown. Bring your favorite copy of Ulysses! Don't forget the Sperm Drive this weekend. Vans will be coming to your neighborhood. Bring a cup, bring your stuff, and your fav lubricant. Give the gift of life this Christmas- Give your sperm! --------------------------- WAIT! If you are only reading the text version... you are missing alot ofOoze! The Mac version has tons of sounds and color pictures featuringmany jokes that canÍt bridge that symbol gap! drbubonic@aol.com for details! CONTRIBUTORS Do you write funny things? Do you draw funny pictures? Do you want to embezzle $$ from us? THEN WRITE TO drbubonic@aol.com OOZE#2 and #3 OUT NOW in TEXT and MAC FORM! OOZE#1 Print still available! 16 pages, cover featuring baby with fork in its head! Suitable for gift wrapping!