Ooze: the sex issue

Nobody's making jokes about the World Trade Center disaster yet, but it's only a matter of time. Remember what Christa McAuliffe's last words were before the Space Shuttle blew up? (I said, 'Give me a Bud Light!') Ooze never thought that joke was particularly funny, but months after 9/11 there aren't that many jokes -good or bad- floating around. In order to help the nation heal and return to normalcy, someone needs to get the ball rolling.

However, the Ooze staff is not keen on being the first Quality Humor Website to pop that comic cherry, so instead, Ooze hopes to promote world peace by presenting the (much less) controversial list of official Pentagon Disaster Jokes:

A doctor tells his patient, "I have some bad news, and some really bad news."
The man says, "Give me the really bad news first."
The doctor tells him, "Your wife just died in a hijacked plane that crashed into the Pentagon."
The man says, "Wow! What's the bad news?"
The doctor proclaims, "You have Alzheimer’s disease."
The man says, "Well, at least my wife didn't just die in a hijacked plane crashing into the Pentagon."
The doctor looks straight at him and says, "I think you're missing the point."
The man looks at the floor angry and confused.

A girl walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "I have a problem. I'm really worried about planes falling from the sky and nobody ever talks to me."
The psychiatrist says, "Next!"

A man goes to the doctor and the doctor says, "You are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder from being in the Pentagon when it was struck by a plane."
The man says, "Doc, I think I wanna second opinion!"
The doctor says, "OK- your breath stinks!"

Q: How many American Airlines Flight 77 passengers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Apparently, we will never know since they crashed at 400 mph into a five-sided reinforced bunker and were instantaneously vaporized. Burning puddles of human remains aren't very good at replacing lighting fixtures.

Q: How many Washington DC Firemen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One living fireman and the ghostly apparitions of hundreds of the dead firemen that were crushed under the World Trade Center.

Q: What has 10 feet, 6 eyes, 2 arms and 2 wings?
A: A bag of mistakenly discarded KFC mixed in with various body parts recovered from the Pentagon crash site. People make mistakes like that when they are fighting a hellish blaze of jet fuel with little sleep.

Q: A jumbo jet partially full with 64 people crashes into the Pentagon. If all 64 people died, where did they bury the survivors?
A: You don't bury survivors, especially if there aren't any.

"Who's there?"
"Water who?"
"Water those hideous jet fuel burns doing over 70% of your body?"

"Who's there?"
"Anita who?"
"Anita bang my head against the wall and wonder how the world outside my window looks the same, but know in my heart it's a different place. Or is it? Hasn't this evil always lurked deep within the hearts of men? Who are we to think we were immune to suffering? Anita take a look within myself."
"I think I'll go knock on someone else's door."
"You do that."

A firefighter, a rabbi, and a civilian Army employee walk into a DC Area bar covered in ash. The bartender takes on look at this motley crew and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
The civilian Army employee says, "Are you an idiot? Didn't you hear a jet slammed into the side of the Pentagon?"
"I just wanted a beer to drown the numbness after working all day in hell, not put up with this shit," said the firefighter, "Let's go somewhere else."
The rabbi throws up his hands. "Oi! Why does this happen to me every time I want to go get a drink?"

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I have a glass of water, please?"
The bartender says, "Just drinking water?"
The guy answers, "If you got what I got, you'd be drinking water too."
The bartender looks him over puzzled and asks, "What've you got?"
The guy answers, "The sinking feeling that life is a hollow experience punctuated by brief episodes of joy and sadness followed by an eternal emptiness."
The bartender nods his head, pushes the water over to the guy and says, "I thought you were going to tell me that you only had 17 cents or something equally as stupid."
The guy looks up and says, "Yeah- that too."
The bartender looks away and nervously wipes down the bar.

Got any Pentagon Jokes of your own? We'll print the best submissions in an upcoming issue of Ooze!

Matt Patterson hopes to get paid one day to write hilarious comedy.
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