Falling in love is easy. But how does the typical OOZE reader, surely a die-hard romantic, keep the spirit of "amour" alive in a relationship that's musty, old, and rattier than a carpet used to wrap a dead body? Have no fear--the SEXperts at Ooze are here to shake your ball and chain!
SECRET LOVE MESSAGES
Surprise your lover by shaving your initials into their pubic hair while they sleep.
Buy some glow in the dark stars from the toy store and arrange a special message on a 12" dildo. Try something like, "My Grandmother Went To Barbados And All I Got Was Shoved Up Gary’s Rectum." Better make that a 28-incher.
Spray paint "Welcome Home - Now Fuck Me, Sailor" on the path to your front door. You’ll see results- and sailors!
Carve your lover’s name on your stomach with a dull steak knife. Nothing spells, "commitment" or, "I should be committed" better than mutilating your own flesh.
Spell out, "I Love You" in pig entrails on the bathroom mirror while your lover is showering. By the time they get out of the shower, the steam will create an incredible mess and not really say anything at all.
SUPRISED BY LOVE
Put your lover’s cat in the dryer for a few minutes. When honey pie comes home from work, take the toasty cat out of the dryer and throw it at them. Scream, "I love your hot pussy!" -or if it’s a guy, "Here’s some hot pussy for you!" They’ll appreciate the gesture, especially if it’s cold.
Tell your lover they are a great judge of character. Then have sex with all his/her better-looking friends.
In the middle of the night, ram into the back of your lover’s car at full force. Start screaming, "I love to rear-end you!" when they come outside to investigate.
The next time you and your lover embrace, crap your pants. Smile, and then give them a bouquet of inexpensive flowers.
Pull your lover’s jism-stained tissue or used tampon out of the garbage and take a magnet to stick it to the fridge. Use a permanent black marker and "name" it. Insist it is your love child.
ACTS OF LOVE
Draw a dozen detailed pictures of memorable sexual experiences the two of you have shared. Have the pages copied and bound at a Kinkos. Mail a copy to everyone in his/her address book.
Kill a small animal, such as a squirrel or other rodent, and leave it on their pillow.
Hold yourself hostage to their love. Hold a gun to your head, and in your own voice, record a short ransom note on tape for your partner to listen to on the way to work or when they are out of town.
Rent a dirty movie together. Fall asleep. Don’t rewind the tape when you return it.
When you are on a business trip in Russia, buy some inexpensive Anthrax virus from a starving research scientist, along with some wild Russian flowers. Release virus in an aerosolized form in the airport when you return. Take the flowers home, but leave them in the backseat of the car. Tell your lover you totally forgot about him/her on the trip. Masturbate.
Remember, your love will lift you higher. Long-term relationships just require a little extra effort, and that effort may involve urine, car accidents, and biological warfare. Got any Treasured Romantic Ideas for Ooze readers? E-mail ‘em here, and spread your love around like a dog marking its territory! Hooray!
OOZE wishes they could write The Great American Novel, but settles for this pap.
