Your boyfriend treats you like: A) a princess. B) his own mother. C) one of his stanky 'ho bitches.
Your boyfriend comes home with a new Mercedes. He tells you not to worry about the expense because: A) he's been saving his meager income for years. B) he just had a special visit from Ed McMahon. C) he jacked it from an undercover cop who's still in the trunk.
If you were to rifle through your boyfriends's sock drawer you would most likely find: A) a picture of his family. B) dirty magazines. C) Louie "Two Fingers" Boomba's index finger.
When you have sex with your boyfriend he A) kisses you gently and carefully slides his penis into you. B) smacks you roughly and slaps his penis against your belly C) doesn't have a penis.
When your boyfriend goes to the bathroom he uses: A) the urinal. B) the nearest tree or bush. C) Tampax.
Your boyfriend's chest looks: A) broad and strong. B) flat and weak. C) to be about a B cup.
About once a month, your boyfriend: A) cleans out the garage. B) cleans out his underwear drawer. C) cleans out his uterine lining.
When you say hello to your boyfriend, he says, A) "Hello sweety!" B) grunts passionately. C) hums gently unless you unplug him.
Your boyfriend uses too many A) bottles of after shave. B) tissues. C) batteries.
The celebrity that looks most like your boyfriend is: A) Art Garfunkel. B) Art Carney. C) R2D2.
After a furious session of lovemaking, your boyfriend likes to: A) tell you he loves you and snuggle. B) light up a cigarette. C) be plugged back into the television.
Your boyfriend is most likely to: A) smash his car into a pole when he drives home drunk. B) smash his bike into a pole when he rides home drunk. C) smash his X-11 Scout Saucer into Mars when he hyperspaces home drunk.
Your boyfriend has: A) a large penis. B) a large gut. C) a large third eye in the middle of his forehead.
Your boyfriend says he wants to be with you because: A) he can't imagine life without you. B) you're better in bed than your mom. C) Mars Needs Women.
Your boyfriend's last name is: A) Smith. B) Sabibsalam. C) a high pitched squeal almost imperceptible to human ears.
ADD UP THE NUMBER OF C'S IN EACH SECTION
No C's: Your boyfriend is none of these things, but that doesn't mean he isn't a jerk or something worse.
1-2 C's in one or more categories: Your boyfriend may possibly be a criminal/woman/appliance/alien. Follow him around for a while, taking careful notes. Ask some rude questions. Possibly start an FBI security file.
3-4 C's in one or more categories: Face it, your boyfriend is probably a criminal/woman/appliance/alien. That doesn't mean you still can't love him, it's just going to be harder on you. Try a romantic weekend getaway to brighten a sore relationship.
If you answered C to a majority of ALL the categories: You're definitely going out with an electric female alien criminal. I have no advice for you. The end is near.
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits