Ooze #8  Summer '96

Journal of Wit, Substance, and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits

Ooze Homepage Skal liksom være en humoristisk side. Mye av det du finner her er direkte smakløst. Styr unna!

Ooze Ha pedig olyan adatokra vagy kíváncsi, amik érdekesek ugyan, de soha az életben nem fogod hasznukat venni, akkor pont neked írták ezt az oldalt. http://www.isys.hu/support/13.htm

Hi! My name is Gayle! I'm 14, and I'm the new editor of of Ooze Magazine! I live with my parents, my brother Toby, and two cats named Fifi and Trixibelle, in a split level duplex in Suffolk County (that's Long Island)! As you can see, OOZE has gone through some big changes! I took out all that gross humor stuff and put in interviews with my fave stars, like Johnathan Taylor Thomas, David Faustino, and Bishop Desmond Tutu! Coming up, we've planned a whole issue dedicated to the best TV show ever, Saved By The Bell! Mario Lopez might be dreamy, but I just loooove that cute little Dustin Diamond! I mean, if Elizabeth Berkley can take off her clothes in a movie, why can't Screech? It's soooo unfair!

Y'know what else is unfair? That stoopid law that says I can't see swear words on the internet! It's sooooo dumb! I mean, I'm only 14 but but it's not like people don't scream, "f--- you" at me all the time! Duhhhhhh! The government is so retarded, I bet they all get driven to work in little school busses!

I hear dorks on Rickki Lake saying a lot of kids are getting kidnapped and sexually abused by people online and stuff, but that's so untrue! I have a lot of pen pals who are older than me, some of them are like really cool! One guy called Marty lives in this really cool van with all this red shag carpet and stuff and he connects to AOL on a stolen cell phone!

Marty says he's only 20, but I don't really think that's true. He's got all these way cool tattoos of like bleeding skulls and bats and stuff he says he got in Singapore during the war. What a nardo! There hasn't been a war in like, 40 years so he's got to be older. But people who do as much coke as Marty does are bound to be loopy! Anyway, this is what was going through my head as he tied me up and pushed me into a gross hole in the side of an old building downtown.

Inside the hole, this really scummy guy who looked like the Wolfman turned from a crusty computer monitor and stared at me! His name was Herman, and he was the leader of a world-wide network of the so-called "child molesters, pornographers, and just plain threats to common decency" the government's always talking about! He and Marty kidnapped me, and wanted to sell me into something like slavery. Whatever!

Besides the funky smell and and having to ask permission to pee, staying in the hole wasn't so bad. Sure, they only paid me minimum wage, but where else could I've got such a cool afterschool job at fourteen? Now they hire me out with lots of other kids to code web pages! We just know computers better than stupid adults and we work cheap! Anyway, that's how I got the job editing this magazine. Plus those "tricks" Marty taught me from his years in the Far East seem to keep those boys very happy!

So Hip Teens, I hope you enjoy our new version of OOZE! After all the changes the magazine went through, I decided to go in for some big changes myself! This summer, Mom's taking me to her plastic surgeon for my very first nose job! I really like Courtney Cox's nose, so I'm bringing a picture to show the surgeon what to do! I can hardly wait, because Mom says if this goes well, for my 18th birthday I can have my breasts enlarged! Radical!

I gotta run to a 3:00 liposuction before cheerleading class!

Stay cool! Ride the pork chop!

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Ooze #8 ----- Summer '96

Ooze Magazine
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits