The Lovely Letters in Our Mailbox

Send your complaints to:

OOZE sucks! Matt Patterson and his "friends" are dorks! I find you heinously offensive, crude, disgusting, immoral, thoughtless, uncaring and gruesomely ignorant. LOVE! Why can't you write about love? Why can't you deliver a message of good will and caring to the world? You can be funny without being mean, boys. Knock-knock jokes are funny and they're not mean. "Growing Pains" was perfectly funny and it wasn't mean.

I think people like YOU are what have caused the world to go downhill. By glorifying violence, belittling the sacrament of sex, and making fun of anyone who's just a teeny bit DIFFERENT, you do nothing but promote ignorance, fear, and idiocy. I only wish you could do something more constructive with your time and energy, you awful Generation Xers! Take your Ooze and shove it up your weenie slacker ass!

Surprisingly most people just aren't aware of the incredible amount of community work our staff actually does. Mr. Wardell visits the Los Angeles County Men's Jail every day and leads hundreds of art-starved inmates in some of the most beautiful ballet sequences seen on the West Coast. Mr. Schmidt and Wagner are known for their generosity towards the Hollywood homeless, sponsoring the bi-monthly jello-bath where any of the teeming destitute are invited to splash around in giant tubs of the gelatinous stuff. Besides writing comedy projects for Alan Thicke, I spend most of my free-time whittling prosthetic limbs from driftwood that washes up along the banks of the LA river. You watch who you call a slacker, Missy. We Care!

Ooze is the first e-zine I've read that didn't scream "I was written by 15-year-old losers who think fart jokes are funny and build black boxes because we can't get a date!" Okay, so maybe Ooze is sophomoric-at least it's funny, has clever illustrations, is intelligently written, and most importantly, is spell-checked...

And for what it's worth, I liked the format of the first edition, because it had sounds and groovy buttons. It set it apart from the usual DocMaker 'zines.



    We think this letter is right on the money, except that we ARE 15-year-old losers who think fart jokes are funny and build black boxes because we can't get dates. Now if we could only figure out what to do with all those nice boxes cluttering up my apartment. Oops, I just let out a big stinky fart.

    Your web page sure does suck, but I guess you could add stuff later. The web site for now that's pretty cool!


    Be a part of the excitement! visit! Oh right. You are already here.

  • She Who Is Fragile

    Ooze Magazine
    The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits