Besides the precious hard drive, a souped-up vintage 1987 Mac II with 8 megs of RAM and a 68030 processor, a 13" monitor, video scanning board and the original keyboard were AWOL. But beyond losing about a thousand dollars worth of hardware and irreplace able data, Mr. Patterson lost a friend.
The last few weeks have been unseasonably warm in the Los Angeles area. To relieve the heat the previous evening, the window to the office had been slid halfway open. Mr. Patterson did not secure the window that morning, as he was late for work. The bu rglars must have needed a seven-year-old computer, so when they spotted the grime-encrusted machinery through the open window, decided to act. The prowlers cut the screen and climbed through the window and onto the bed. They rifled through the closets, took out a duffle bag and dumped the contents on the bed and packed the huge bag with the CPU and external HD, grabbed the monitor (total weight about 75 pounds) and ran out the door. Wether they escaped by foot or by car, it is not known. All they left was a broken extension cord, and a broken man.
The Mac came into the Patterson household in March of 1990 cloaked in a shady past. A friend of a friend was selling the then-powerful computer at a low price. At the time, a new Mac SE with a B/W 9" monitor, 1 meg of RAM and a 20 meg HD cost around $17 00. This guy was offering a 5 meg machine with a 13" COLOR monitor and larger hard drive for only a thousand bucks. He immediately paid $400 cash, and lugged it back to school. When he started the computer, he noticed that the loaded software was regis tered to the chemistry department of a specific University in western Pennsylvania known for their censorship of sexual newsgroups. Oops. When the previous "owner" called the next day demanding more money, he was told Mr. Patterson would only pay anothe r hundred dollars.
The computer had been around the country following Mr. Patterson's travels. Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey, Atlanta, and Los Angeles, this fearless hardware was a faithful friend. Initially used as a writing tool and games machine, the Mac's role in his life expanded into desktop publishing and later net surfing and publishing. Hours of self-training and discipline enabled Mr. Patterson to secure a lucrative day job as well. His relationship with the computer was so tight, a girlfriend once drunke nly accused him of having more feelings for the computer than for her. She even went as far to loudly proclaim in front of about a hundred people, that he probably was having sex with it as well. She then went into graphic detail on how this unholy unio n was consummated. Mr. Patterson soon broke relations with the offending girlfriend and moved in with the computer. The karmic circle continued.
Who would have stolen his aged machine and left his cameras, bonds, credit cards and car behind? Could the CIA/mob alliance, responsible for the deaths of JFK, Martin Luther King and Mr. Greenjeans, fear an Ooze-inspired revolution that could oust them f rom their seats of power? Would the "grey" aliens who had abducted Mr. Patterson in 1992 and subjected him to a terrorizing rectal probe steal his computer as revenge because he ENJOYED it? Maybe unseen demons from the hollow Earth used it as a portal to escape into our dimension, obliterating the device in the process, and left OUT the window. What about the kids from Easter Seals who tried to sell Mr. Patterson their overpriced almond bark last Tuesday? None of these possibilities have been ruled out by the authorities.
Without a computer, Mr. Patterson can only afford to put Ooze back together during his spare time at work. This is not acceptable. He must get a new computer immediately, and here's where you can help. If you can, send a donation of cash, check, a Mone y Order of any amount made out to Matt Patterson, or any spare hardware you have kicking around to:
Send your e-mail address too, so he can write a personal message, thanking you for your support in his time of dire need. All donators who care to send their postal address will receive a FREE commemorative issue of Paper Ooze #1. 16 pages of articles a nd art so that you can show your non-computer literate friends how cool the internet is.
We thank you in advance, and hope to deliver quality humor service in the future.
For more info email: email@example.com
So listen up. I don't need anymore sympathy. I just want your CASH. Understand me? OK.
I'm done whining. Read the magazine.