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When I was a little kid, I didn't have any trouble entertaining myself. Who needed G.I. Joe, an X-Wing Fighter, or 6' realistic, inflatable love dolls? I had my brain, a pen--maybe some crayons--and that was enough to transport me to the exciting world of comic books. Sure, I loved reading comics, but to draw them was even better. I soon became the chairman, CEO, and award-winning talent of my own preadolescent entertainment mega-corporation.

   -A Life Story by

what batman looks like

Being a nerd is hard work. You can't take on the mantle and not put out, if you know what I'm saying. While I could pass in the straight world (playing their baseball, eating their food), I was secretly channeling my uniquely male obsessiveness into HIGH ART. A few comic books or a finger painting here and there; that's a dilletante. But the knee-high stacks in my parents' attic prove I was a prolific little bugger.

My mother always told me that my comics didn't make a whole lot of sense. I can see now that she was 100% correct. My leaps of logic are gargantuan: dynamite can't kill you, it can just make you look disheveled
(FIGURE ONE: "What Batman looks like") and a punch can be so powerful that it changes your entire personality (FIGURE TWO: "Punch") . I made even the most impossible gadgets available with ease. But despite pathetic artwork and unintelligible storylines, my early endeavors are no less entertaining than the work they were inspired by. Okay, maybe a little less.

fig 1

the Brain Detector
Punching Joker

fig 3


fig 4

fig 2

Being an amateur crimefighter myself, I'd always felt an affinity for Batman. I drew the Caped Crusader day and night, 24-7, and under my tutelage he went in bold directions DC Comics wouldn't touch: I killed him, (frequently) allowed him to fly, and, inexplicably, gave him a Hitleresque mustache. (FIGURE THREE: "Hitler Batman") Despite Frank Miller's pioneering work on the Dark Knight, I truly can say that my foray into facial hair remains a first. Mysteriously, Batman's mustache disappeared after about a year, probably around the same time mine started to grow in.

My own original characters followed: Teenman ("the strength of a the body of a teen!"), Whirlwind (a blatant ripoff of "The Flash", except that 1/2 his body was literally a tornado), and Biggyman, who wasn't particularly big, but did have the large emblem "BM", which made me laugh since in our household, "BM" meant "bowel movement".

In fact, my portfolio includes several examples of a budding sense of comedy. In "Patchwork Man Funnies", the title character stands as the world's first homeless superhero, going around the world and begging for change. Every time our hapless protagonist hits someone up for cash, he is soundly rejected!
(FIGURE FOUR: "Patchwork") Clearly, my humor has come along way here at OOZE.

No, but you can have my hairpiece!
Can I have a penny?

Later, I displayed an interest in politics, drawing Ed Koch for my own edition of Time Magazine and writing a scathing editorial demanding a raise in children's allowances for the "socially conscious" magazine, Little People's Voice!

Kids have to live with inflation too. When
the prices of heating and homing, go up,
kids' candy and comic books go up too.
So raise your child's allowance 20 cents,
but make them do more chores too. Candy
is now 30 cents. 5 years ago it was 20 cents.
Comic books are now 50 cents, 5 years ago
they were 20 cents. SO REMEMBER

Some of my early efforts, while innocent at the time, can be viewed today as having somewhat of a suspicious, uh, "subtext". (FIGURE FIVE ăDONâT LEAVE MEä). Batman and Robin often male-bond while shirtless, and many of my female characters feature plunging bustlines sausaged into tiny, skintight outfits. Perhaps it's no wonder that today I can only be sexually excited by a woman pumping iron in a Lone Ranger mask.

Throughout all of my work, I credited myself constantly, even writing "hi, fans!" on a number of pages. Clearly, I was influenced by Stan Lee, and clearly, I was totally demented. I think I actually maintained the weird belief that my creations were being seen by millions.

While having no shortage of creativity, I never really progressed as an artist. My good friend Dan Rhatigan, who also drew comic books, showed me his when we were about 8 or 9 years old. Dan could actually construct proportionate arms and legs, and he had no trouble drawing feet that didn't stick out at a 90 degree angle. My hopes of becoming the next Neal Adams were quickly dashed. Oh well. Dan and I nevertheless joined forces to sell our wares curbside, in an urban nerd's version of the classic lemonade stand. I think the pinnacle of my career came when Mr. Duffy, across the street, stopped by our stand and paid me a quarter to draw a picture of John Denver.

Today, Dan is a graphic designer and I make movies. Neither of us reads comic books anymore.

EDDIE SCHMIDT secretly believes his drawings, exhibited here, could single-handedly rescue Marvel Comics from bankruptcy

Don't Leave Me!

fig 5

Eddie Schmiddty

Download the whole song, "Eddie Schmidtty" (48k)


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