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I have been "online" for four and a half years now, and I've learned one thing: the penis of the American male springs erect at the mere sight of the word "model." Sometimes this erection is instantly lost when they realize that someone was simply talking about model trains, but if they're lucky enough to find an actual web site featuring models or even find a girl online who claims to be one...well, Mr. Pointy just keeps pointing.
On systems that have the wonderful "profile" or "registry" feature, where members can fill in information about themselves accessible to everyone else on the system, I've had considerable problems and misgivings with the "occupation" field.
Why? Because... well, because I'm a model.

As soon as I wrote the word down on my profile, I got an email. I swear. I hadn't even put the profile out yet, and yet some guy on the other side of the country had "felt" me type the letters "m-o-d-e-l" and dashed off a quick letter. I felt compelled to dilute the occupation field with lots of other stuff, like the fact that I love research, math, music, neuroscience, and that I'm also a writer and student. (The word "student" just slips by most older guys. I get letters every day from 40 year-old business men with bald spots and premature ejaculation problems. They don't care. They found a model! (This particularly disgusts me when I think about the fact that most of the portfolio pictures of myself I have online right now were taken three years ago, when I was 14 years old!))

Are you a model? I'm old and divorced!

This makes me they really think models are beautiful all the time? Pictures are sooo deceiving. Makeup, special lighting, and other props could even make Chelsea Clinton seem gorgeous. Do men really think that as I sit in front of my computer screen every day I am wearing a skimpy little dress and white lace panties?
So, for all of you guys out there that get instant images of scantily clad girls with huge breasts when you look up a profile and see the word "model," here's a wake-up call:

About 98% of girls that put the word "model" in their profiles aren't really models. They actually weigh 200 pounds and haven't seen sunlight in 5 years.

1.7% are models, in their own little world. They have, in fact, only done mannequin work for their local JC Penney's store. They are delusional. Kind of like you!

0.3% are models, but let's get a few things straight. When you send email to that beautiful model of your dreams, try to picture her as she opens your love note. Imagine...

Oh my! A 14-year-old!

Greasy hair that hasn't been washed in 3 or 4 days pulled back into a sloppy pony tail with frizzies sticking out all over and in every imaginable direction.

No makeup. Lots of blackheads and a few pimples. Contrary to popular belief, models almost inherently have bad skin (or maybe that's just me). In order to maintain a face that can be corrected by makeup, she is on at least 5 different prescription medications and visits a dermatologist monthly.

Terrible clothes that cover almost every inch of her body. Baggy jeans, big sweater...and they probably haven't been washed in awhile, either.

The reason for the clothing? She hasn't shaved in a week. Stubble covers her legs and underarms. And, as much as you'd love to believe that models have little or no pubic hair, there is actually a bush the size of the actual garden variety down there. And it's hidden by cotton granny panties, no less.

Glasses. I'm talking geeky, Coke bottle lenses with thick-ass frames. This model's online, remember? Nerd city!

author at age 14

So, next time you start your letter with "You're so hot you make the plastic in my underwear melt," and attach that "I'm trying to be sexy and cool" picture of yourself, think about just how hot that girl really is... because models, especially the nerdy ones online like myself, are just disgusting humans too.
Spike is a grungy chick who likes to think she's a model, too. You can catch those elusive photos of her at age 14 (that all the old guys dig) at
She writes her own zine "Angst" which you can subscribe to by writing her at She also wants everyone to know, "Too much Dr. Pepper turns your pee brown." Thank you, and quit loading that web page, pervert.


Ed's Early Publishing Efforts

How To Answer the Phone Like an Idiot

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