|-M.J. Loheed (firstname.lastname@example.org) |
-Steve Benaquist (too poor to be online)
Since Ooze is the Journal of Substance, Wit, and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits, our readership is on the cutting edge of sexual expression, and demands to be kept abreast of the latest autoerotic techniques. Understanding that need, we've culled some new and potentially lethal solo practices from a number of confidential police, emergency room, and dental records. Remember- Safe sex is for the weak.
AUTO EROTIC ASS FIXATION
Subjects who engage in this habit will start their cars in neutral and affix their anus over the hot tail pipe so the vibrating muffler will stimulate the prostate. This fixation is not without hazard and can result in severe rectal burns or, in extreme cases, cause the sphincter to be cauterized and sealed to the tail pipe. In these cases, the subject's intestines can slowly inflate until the entire gastrointestinal system is evacuated through the mouth, although this is rare.
This habit first gained national media attention when a pit mechanic of Mario Andretti's thought he could sneak in a little action before the Indianapolis 500. For over 40 laps no one noticed the hapless mechanic being dragged behind the car as it topped 240 mph! As he was being put into the ambulance he was heard to mumble: "It felt pretty good until I had an orgasm. Then I just wanted to stop and have a nice cappuccino." Andretti went on to win regardless.
TIP: For an automotive thrill on a cold night, try giving yourself an anti-freeze enema!
The modern working woman barely has time to sleep, much less enjoy a short session of self pleasuring. A clever woman, however, can simultaneously get her dinner and still get off. "Hot Doggers", working over a hot stove with an aluminum pot, will stand on the stove, hike up their skirts, and position themselves over the burner. Then they will carefully insert the pan's aluminum handle inside their vaginas until both they and their dinner shoot past the boiling point.
AP reported a story in 1991 about Mrs. Flozzy Krebbs of Wilmington, DE who became the first known victim of this practice. Rescue workers responding to a 911 call found Mrs. Krebbs bloated corpse lying on the kitchen floor with a totally discharged CO2 fire extinguisher at her side. Her lower abdomen was covered with extensive third degree burns. EMT's were puzzled, but the autopsy revealed she had suffocated from the internal application of CO2 after her pubic area caught on fire. A chemical or water extinguisher would have been a wiser precaution.
TIP:Try this method while cooking popcorn.
WHISKEY CAT RAPE
A peculiar off-shoot of more common bestiality, this practice involves force feeding cheap blended scotch to a cat and sodomizing it as its anus becomes relaxed. Unfortunately, subjects rarely remember to declaw or bind the animals leading to lacerated testicles, glans, or shaft which can require stitches and uncomfortable explanations.
For those who require a challenge, the Great Cats pose their own difficulties. These fierce nocturnal hunters are terrible lushes and can hold far more liquor than the standard domestic cat. We recommend 10 quarts of Rebel Yell Whiskey (since they wouldn't know a good whiskey if you poured it in catnip) administered from a safe distance. After 20 minutes or so, get in, make your move, and get out quickly. These cats sober up quickly, and no one wants to be faced with a bleary, violated 250 pound pussy.
Caution is highly recommended. One account from the early 1980s relates the story of a poor fool who plied a cougar with five cases O'Douls, only to lose his genitals and right leg. He learned, too late, that O'Douls is a Non-Alcoholic Malt Beverage.
TIP: Older cats prefer bourbon.
WARNING: Those with allergies to cats should consult a doctor before attempting any feline encounters!
STATION TO STATION
Subjects stand blindfolded on the roof of a moving train and masturbate furiously into the wind. The blast of turbulent air and the gentle rocking motion of the train provide an extremely erotic full body massage. Some subjects prefer standing over the caboose and others the engine, for the different vibratory properties of each. Livestock cars can provide an additional olfactory enhancement.
The practice first came to light in 1972 when Henry Dunnings of Shreveport, LA, missing for three weeks, was finally found dangling over the entrance of a mountain tunnel. He had impacted on the rock face and was firmly supported by penile rigor mortis.
MILESTONE: Thomas Goodlong, of Labeck, MN recently set the world record of masturbating 114 times on one train ride when he vacationed on the Orient Express!
TIP: In a city where there aren't too many trains, try the bus instead. But watch out for traffic signals!
REANIMATED CORPSE FUCKING
Medical students have long realized that a fresh corpse can be "reanimated" or brought back to a semblance of life, with some simple lab equipment and 1.3 Megajoules of electricity. These bodies exhibit little or no higher brain function, and are prone to drastic body spasms, but make an interesting lay. Although not strictly masturbatory, it isn't technically necrophilia either since the body is moving around.
Besides severe electric shock, subjects can expose themselves and others to less obvious dangers. A University of Michigan medical student and 23 others were killed in 1989 as a reanimated corpse went rampaging through downtown Ann Arbor during rush hour, crushing several pedestrians and destroying a Jack In The Box franchise. Pitchfork wielding villagers then lynched the responsible student soon afterwards for messing with "Things Man Was Not Meant To Know".
TIP: A reanimated corpse makes a great gag "blind date" for your friends!
FURRIER JACQUE'S FUCK BOX
Developed by a French furrier along the lonely banks of the St. Lawrence River in the mid 1700s, the Fuck Box is simply an ordinary box with a hole in it housing a starving wolverine. Although Furrier Jacque's calloused weiner was impervious to the wolverine's voracious antics, modern practicioners are careful to defang and declaw these little monsters. They recreate the hungry bloodlust which provided the only real pleasure in a lonely furrier's life.
In 1995, a barely conscious 21 year-old was admitted to Los Angeles County Hospital with a mysteriously shredded groin. It took doctors four hours to identify that the patient was even a man. EMT personnel on the scene identified a blood-soaked "Fuck Box" next to the subject's bed. Inside they found the rotting remains of his ravaged manhood, and 12 hungry newborn wolverine pups.
TIP: Try spreading peanut butter on your penis for extra pleasure!
Next issue read updates on:
EXPANDING DINO-SPONGE INSERTION: They're not just bath toys anymore!
BOMB FUCKING: For intense and sudden stimulation.
'GATOR WRESTLING FUN: Crocodile tears? No way!
If you have the opportunity to try any of these methods, let us know if you find them as fulfilling as we do.
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits