Fashion Tips for the Very Poor

Being peniless doesn't mean you have to dress without style. A smart girl finds high fashion lurking in any pile of cast-offs. With a little pluckishness, hard work, and the keen advice of Ooze, you'll be the envy of every kid on the block!

Two scrap 2 x 4s, available at any construction site, can be transformed into a pair of hip, 70s-style clogs with only a sharp knife, wood glue, and some heavy twine. The ultimate in platform shoes!

Chrome bumpers, split around the corners and accompanied by a lawnmower grass pouch, can approximate that "tiny silver backpack" thing that's really hot with the baby t-shirt and barrette set.

Like the cool, "keys on a janitor's chain" look that's so popular with the club kids? Any metal gate, cut apart with a hacksaw can be wound to your jeans to create that "workingman's" look for a bargain price. If all the metal gates near your house are electrical, try shorting the circuit with your kid brother!

Old toothpaste caps, cut in half and glued to your gums with epoxy, can cover up any embarrassing gaps in your smile caused by rotting teeth!

Large plastic garbage bags can be cut into a variety of snug fitting and sexy dresses for all occasions! Just make sure to make airholes in the bag so you don't smell like a sweaty pig!

Gangrenous sores threatening to ruin your prom? A healthy dose of colored electrical tape can cover them up in minutes. Tell your friends you are wearing red tape to signify your support for AIDS victims. They'll be so impressed with your social awareness, they won't notice any tell-tale rotting!

Think of yourself as "Mr. Retro" but don't have the wallet to back up the claim? Create your own JAMS, those colorful Bermuda shorts from the Reagan era, by duct taping rotting vegetables to your thighs! Look out, Spuds McKenzie!

Proud of your African heritage but too unskilled to weave a multi-colored tapestry? Old bath towels, even those with "Roger Rabbit" and "Pee Wee's Playhouse" insignias, can be cut into great African daishikis!

Live in a shanty-town with no services? A fully-juiced car battery can provide up to two hours of electrical power for your curling iron!

Professional tattoos are expensive, and homemade ones make you look like you've spent a lot of time in jail. Now you can mutilate your skin the discount way! Clods of dirt, colorful industrial chemicals, and hunks of hot tar fresh off the summer street can be mixed together and seared into human flesh to create exciting designs!

Want to look smart, but can't afford eyeglasses? Discarded jelly jars, held together by a wire clothes hanger can make even the biggest dullard look like an instant Pointdexter!

If you have any tips you'd like to share, e-mail with the details and enter to win a free brick which can be used to stuff your bra! &

Am I Normal?    Altered States
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Ooze #8 ----- Summer '96

Ooze Magazine
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits