Am I Normal?

Do you think you're a freak of nature? Are you afraid to take a shower with the other students after gym class because of your grossly misshapen anatomy?

All the confusion and changes that occur during adolescence cause tons of teens to worry if what's happening to them is normal. Most of the time it is, but sometimes it's not. We've taken the time to answer some questions our readers have asked us. writes, "I get these funny black hairs around my lips. I hate them. Is this normal, or am I doomed to grow a full beard? I think they make me look like John Waters."

Unfortunately, the answer is yes, you're doomed. Contrary to what Europeans and lesbians may think, girls aren't supposed to have hair anywhere on their bodies other than the top of their heads and a wispy strip down the middle of the pubic area. If you experience any other growth you may possibly have a life-threatening hormonal imbalance. Check your temperature while you stare at a copy of Penthouse magazine. If your temperature rises, seek medical attention immediately. asks, "When I go to the bathroom, my urine is this awful yellowish color. My friend was sitting in the bathroom stall with me doing her make-up when she saw me get up from a yellow-tinged toilet bowl. She made a fuss over it and now everyone calls me 'Yellow Pee'. I am totally embarrassed and am afraid to show my face at school. My mom says that yellow urine is totally o.k., but I don't believe her because she's a Mormon. Am I normal?"

No. Urine that is yellowish in hue is directly attributable to the consumption of foods or liquids that are yellow: bananas, wax beans, and Chinese take-out. Stay away from these at all costs. Most people your age excrete about 2 pints of distinct blue-green liquid soon after a meal. If you continue to urinate yellow for more than two weeks, try looser-fitting undergarments or soaking in a pool for 45 minutes. If another week goes by and it continues, see a doctor or physician. writes, "I masturbate two, three, sometimes as much as five times a week. Sometimes I can't think of anything but sex. Is this normal for the average 16 year old?"

Absolutely not. Girls your age should be thinking about the prom, cheerleading, and homemaking. You shouldn't even know how to say the word 'sex' much less be practicing it (even if it's only on yourself.) You may be suffering from a wide variety of ailments including--but not limited to--distemper, diphtheria, malodorous fumigation, and/or rheumatic fever. I recommend you tie your hands behind your back before you go to sleep and have someone in the family stay in your room with a hickory switch to make sure you don't continue this vile habit. writes, "I recently found two lumps on my bosom. I am worried that this could be something serious. I am 40 years old. Is this normal, or do I have cancer?"

Of course it's normal, silly girl. Those two lumps on your chest are your breasts! A girl your age goes through many changes, including your first period, a sudden interest in boys, strange new hair, and the swelling of your chest. Boy, are you dumb!

Christine Devine, M.D. is a medical doctor who did not write this article.

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Ooze #8 ----- Summer '96

Ooze Magazine
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits