Phone Phun!

More Phone Tricks

Bored? Pick up the phone and give these numbers a call:

Penile Enlargement Course(818) 881-0505
Deep in the heart of the San Fernando Valley lies the secret to massive male genitalia. Ever worry about having a small wiener? This brave, new company provides the answer: their barbell-like weights simply stretch it out! I'd recommend a steamroller first. But if you're perfectly happy with the family jewels, just call the line and enjoy hilarity at the potential discomfort of others.

The Snapple Consumer Service Line: 1-888-265-1122
Call and say, "I think your new Bali Blast made my semen turn pink." or "I gave my cat some Snapple Pink Lemonade and it died. Can I be on a commercial with the Snapple Lady?" They also get upset if you mention their billion dollar debt and declining marketshare.

The Pat Buchanan Hotline: 1-800-GOPATGO
Call and pledge $100 dollars for Pat's '00 Presidential bid in a friend's or enemy's name. The lucky sucker'll be deluged with mail until he's bodily recalled to heaven during the rapture. Pat will accept money from anyone, even if you call and tell them how he molested you as a child and you're finally getting the nerve to go to the press.. Hey, anything for a c-note.

Ohio Tourist Info. 1-800-BUCKEYE
I read that this was run by Ohio state convicts. Call and ask them (nicely) about how they got their job. They aren't very friendly if you inquire about the frequency of anal rapings in Ohio prisons but will warm up if you offer them naked pictures of your sister for $5. Flex those creative muscles.

Send all weird phone numbers to

On Telemarketing
- Matt Foldenauer

I live in Omaha, Nebraska, telemarketing capital of the world, where I've worked both outbound and inbound telemarketing. The most annoying callers, by far, are the ones calling for "that thing".

Normally, telemarketing companies handle hundreds of different loser clients with thousands of lame products advertised on late night television. The computer automatically displays--based on the number the caller dialed-- a list of anywhere from one to twenty possible products tied to that number. In fairness to the clients, the operator is not allowed under any circumstances to name individual products that appear on the screen in order to determine what the confused caller wants. Instead, they have to "probe" the caller for more information. The problem is, it seems many callers don't care what they're buying as long as it can be ordered with a delayed billing option.

Operator(me): This is Matt. How may I help you?

Caller: Yeah, uh, I want that thing- (spoken through haze of alcohol in a strong Arkansas accent)

Operator: Ok, sir, what exactly is the name of "that thing"?

Caller: Uh, I don't know. It was just on TV and Regis Philbin has three of 'em.

How about this lady who called about storm windows: This scripted question is used to determine what kind of windows the caller currently has on their home. i.e. casement, sliding, crankouts...

Operator: What kind of windows do you currently have on your home, Ms Smith?

Ms Smith: Oh- they're all glass, darlin'!

Here's another call from a man with even less intelligence:

Caller: Yeah, I want to screw this chick I work with, and I'm calling for the tapes.

Operator: Do you know the name of the tapes, sir?

Caller: Yeah. Uh- it's somethin' like, 'How to Make Love at Work". Say, do those tapes work? Have you tried 'em?

The caller was in fact seeking "Making Love Work", a self-help program designed to show people how to save their marriages.

Enjoy hours of entertainment by calling 800 numbers found in late night advertisements. See who can keep the operator on the line the longest. Points will be awarded for the most inflammatory or frustrating comments made to an operator without being disconnected. This has the potential to be the next big party game. Maybe I should market it. Now all I need is an infomercial.

A Trip To Mexico    You Might Be A Foreigner If...
Ooze #9 ----- International Issue

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Ooze Magazine
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits