Hello from America: Land of the Free!

A Questioner for the Foreign Ooze Subscriber

For this International issue, we appealed to some of our non-native English speaking Foreign Ooze Subscribers to help us understand them better. If they answered a few questions about themselves and their country, they'd earn a few cheap laughs AND be eligible to win a free, "Baby With A Fork In Head" Ooze t-shirt! Naturally, the wacky globalites were powerless to resist.

[Note: I have not changed any spelling or grammar- including my own.]

Would you be punished by your government for wearing a baby-with-fork-in-head-t shirt? How would they punish you?

Personally, I think it is repulsive and I won't even consider wearing, let alone the government allowing me to wear it. -bhavesh3@singnet.com.sg (Singapore)

Singapore is not so 'frightening'. But that T-shirt is so...frightening. I wouldn't wear it. yeo3469@singnet.com.sg (Singapore)

YES, there are millions of people with a fork in the head running around Germany. All weared that t-shirt before and were punished by exactly doing what is on the shirt. netangel@rbg.informatik.th-darmstadt.de (Germany)

How do you know I am not a member of your government trying to get you to say something treasonous and throw you in jail?

My government is not likely to call themselves Dr Bubonic. -james.sanders@sol.kiss.de (Germany)

Do you think that snakes are bad? Why?

Snakes are definitely NOT bad. Don't dare to say otherwise! I would have to kill you and all the Ooze people then!!! -scheid@imperator.cip-iw1.uni-bremen.de (Germany)

Many people see snakes as slimey creatures. However, if you've ever felt a snake and a woman at the same time, you'd agree that the woman is the slimey one. -james.sanders@sol.kiss.de (Germany)

I don't think they're bad...at least when they're far,far away from me. If someone found a snake laying around, there will be too much commotion. One of the onlookers would inform the police or 'pestbusters'. Don't know what will happen to it. Maybe be sold to be an experiment in a lab or sent to the zoo. -yeo3469@singnet.com.sg (Singapore)

What is an American custom you find repulsive? Have you ever done it yourself?

The annoying habit of misspelling "foreign". You have to put the "e" first and THEN the "i"! -scheid@imperator.cip-iw1.uni-bremen.de (Germany) [I misspelled it in the message header.]

Putting chemicals in beer. -james.sanders@sol.kiss.de (Germany)

I have been for 1 months in san francisco one year ago, there was one strange custom. Why are people not only brushing their teeths, but their tongue, too? In europe I think that there is no one out there who would brush his tongue. Did the TV tell americans that they are dirty if they don't brush their tongue? It seems that they are really manipulatet by TV. -netangel@rbg.informatik.th-darmstadt.de (Germany)

Have you ever recieved/given a lapdance from/to a midget wrestler? How did it make you feel? Why?

I think the whole "ie" or "ei" business isn't your thing, is it? By the way, what is a "lapdance"? I do not feel very much about it, I am afraid. -scheid@imperator.cip-iw1.uni-bremen.de (Germany)

What is the funniest thing you remember about Ooze?

Dangerous masturbation habits[#8]. It was the only Ooze article I ever read. scheid@imperator.cip-iw1.uni-bremen.de (Germany)

Austrians would not find Ooze funny, in fact, Austrians don't find much of anything funny, Weltschmertz, you know. -pek@nepo1.iaea.or.at (Austria)

Where did you hear about Ooze, and what was it?

I am deaf. I didn't hear anything. Someone hit me with an Ooze printout on the head. scheid@imperator.cip-iw1.uni-bremen.de (Germany)

Is there anything like OOZE in your own country? If so, describe.

"Penguin's Perversions" and they rule! If you would like one, send me an address and i'll mail it to you (but remember that it's in Hebrew). -anatom10@post.tau.ac.il (Israel)

Yes, we have cockroaches. They are brown with several legs and I used to eat them in one of my earlier lives. -scheid@imperator.cip-iw1.uni-bremen.de (Germany)

Are Australian, American or German tourists more annoying?

American tourists are most annoying. Always using bathrooms without buying anything, whinning about having to walk long distances, and bitching about high prices. james.sanders@sol.kiss.de (Germany)

Male tourists are more annoying but definitely not the female tourists who are very nice to look at. -bhavesh3@singnet.com.sg (Singapore)

Write about a local custom or event that makes you uncomfortable:

Nudy surfing. -anatom10@post.tau.ac.il (Israel)

During the Fasching holiday, there is a day that women rule the country. They run around cutting men's shoelaces and ties -james.sanders@sol.kiss.de (Germany)

Something in the southern parts of Germany called Kehrwoche, where the people absolutely HAVE TO CLEAN the pathways in/around the house by a certain time (usually Fridays or Saturdays) -BECK@hbi-stuttgart.de (Germany)

Have you learned anything new about America or Americans from OOZE? Does it make you more or less likely to visit us or buy our products?

OOZE shows me that America is not totally insane. if it would , there could not be something like OOZE. It shows the truth of America. The pure America. I love America. I buy anything you want me to buy. TV tells me it's cool. Happy birthday Mr. President! -netangel@rbg.informatik.th-darmstadt.de (Germany)

That Mike Fay deserved to be caned. He thinks he's from another country, so he's superior. The law is the law. If the Prime Minister's son would do such a disgusting thing, he would be caned too. The canes used to prisons are not normal canes. They're rattan canes, various sizes too. 1 stroke down and the flesh splits open. If that guy couldn't take it anymore, they're let him recover and save the rest of the strokes for another time. Maybe a Christmas present. yeo3469@singnet.com.sg (Singapore)

Do you translate OOZE into your native tongue and share it with your friends? How would you translate "Weird Al" Yankovic?"

I would translate it in "irrer Kettensaegenmoerder". -netangel@rbg.informatik.th-darmstadt.de (Germany)

It's "Umglaubliche Al" Yankovic -james.sanders@sol.kiss.de (Germany)

Al Yancovic ha moozar -anatom10@post.tau.ac.il (Israel)

No, I wouldn't [translate "Weird Al"]. We have other artist who do things comparable to him like: Badesalz, Helge Schneider, Guildo Horn... -BECK@hbi-stuttgart.de (Germany)

[Translating Ooze] would be a reason for my government to punish me! And I would never translate "Weird Al", maybe I would fuck him, but maybe not­ -scheid@imperator.cip-iw1.uni-bremen.de (Germany)

And the winner of the Free Ooze BWFIH T-Shirt is...

netangel@rbg.informatik.th-darmstadt.de !

Foreign Impressions    Seamy Stripper Stories!
Ooze #9 ----- International Issue

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The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits