Free Inflight Movies!

Stuck on a long boring flight? Finish the scintillating airline magazine? Re-reading the instructions on the barf bag? The stewardess approaches, selling headsets for that latest Hollywood blockbuster. That Ted Danson epic is just the thing to relieve that sky-high boredom. You reach into your pocket to shell out four of your hard earned dollars when you realize, egads! You have no money! Fear not, brave traveler, for I will unlock the secrets of pirating sound from airline movies... guaranteed!

Airline headsets operate more like a stethoscope than an ordinary set of stereo headphones. The speakers are built into the armrest of your seat, and the headsets are just tubes that direct the sound to your ears. All you have to do is provide an alternate medium.

First, set the station you want to hear on the armrest. The movie is usually on channel one or two. Then, crank up the volume as loud as it will go. Sometimes this alone is enough to make out the soundtrack to the movie, but you usually can't understand what the characters are saying. Not that what Mackulky McClucklin has to say is particularly important, but why do things half-way?

Rip the back cover off the handy airline magazine. Rip the cover in half, and proceed to roll each of the halves into a separate funnel. Stick the small end of the funnel into one of the holes where the headsets are supposed to go. It might take a bit of finagling to get the funnel point the right size to fit in the hole. Repeat with the other funnel in the other hole. Point the funnels up, toward your head. You should be able to hear the movie pretty well by now. If you can, bring the arm rest up closer to your ear.

People usually look at you funny because you have two big paper funnels aimed at your head, but laugh harder at them. They're the suckers who paid four bucks for this crap! And don't worry if the noise you are making "disturbs" those passengers who are not participating in the cinema orgy being played out. They're hearing the movie for free too.

This system has worked on every plane I have ever taken, and thank God it does, or I might have never seen Home Alone 2, Angels in the Outfield, and Uncle Buck. Surely these instructions will improve your life too.

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