[Home] [Table of Contents] [Back Issues]

Like one of Ed Wood‚s movies, Ooze‚s collection of the Stupidest Shareware celebrates the crappy programs people make that are somehow entertaining. Do you have a terrible program you made in some class that calculates your water bill? A program that allows you to throw monkeys at bananas? If so, send it to and have it distributed by Ooze!


by Ian Smith (

Ooze is jumping on the Jared bandwagon. Freeverse software (of hearts deluxe fame) has taken the art of purely stupid shareware to new incredible heights with a simple program, it may not truely qualify to be featured in this column. But what is Jared?

is a small program originally presented to Ian's mother. It features a small smiley face singing a song in a haunting dialect of Spanish supplied by Ian's older brother, Jared. The liner notes to the program describe it best:

          "Like an angry Immigration officer, Jared's distinctive rendition grabs us, slaps us around, threatens to cavity search us and ultimately demand our passport be issued from that same circle of hell from which his voice originates..."

Once released to the Internet a cult following immediately formed around this musical cry for help. Jared started popping up on hard drives across the country. Letters poured in, some even going as far as proposing marriage, sight unseen, to him. Wired called asking for Jared to play their Christmas party, and a small article appeared in the May issue. Jared greets you in the 'about' box in Macromedia's Director 6.0. Freeverse now started selling JARED CD's (audio), featuring his Bilbo Baggins song, directly their website..

And now Jared has crossed over to TV.

Licensed to the clothier, The Boston Trading Company for their ad campaigns in New York, Miami, and Tokyo, Jared will sing his little song to millions of viewers. And remember, It all started from this stupid little program.

Excuse me, but WHERE'S THE 'OOZE' COMMERCIAL? Where are the hot babes asking me to marry them? And the software magnates throwing themselves at my mercy? I don't mean to sound bitter, but we've been putting stupid crap on the Internet for years, and I haven't seen dime one!

I have an idea for you 'Admen': There's a baby, right. It's crying. A fork flies in from offscreen jamming it in the head sending a stream of blood coursing down it's face. The baby smiles quietly. Text fades in: "Better to have a fork in your head, than use MCI."

Maybe it would just be better if you download this program.

Jared (220k) is a binhexed Mac application. This version's sound file is compressed, to speed download time. To get the uncompressed version, go to


by Miguel Senisse (

We pity the fools who don't download these three small Macintosh icons pictured above. Slap them on your hard drive at home or work and be safe in the knowlege Mr. T. is looking out you, sucka. For an interesting diversion, visit the complete Ooze interview with Mr. T.'s dogs in Ooze #4. You can even download a quicktime still of his lovely home.

I Pity These Icons (65k) are binhexed for the Mac. (beautiful Read Me included)

Windows '95 Conversion by Ari Brown (
The icons are all 256 color, so in order to see them, you will have to have win95 with the plus pack installed.

Mr. T. Icons for Win '95 (5k) are uuencoded for win '95 (beautiful Read Me NOT included).


Oozeywood: Ooze's Entertainment Monthly

Hate Mail

Table o' Contents