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Send us your spite, your insensitive remarks, and your young virgin brides


I am an English/Spanish translator. Would you please indicate whether you would need such services, or to whom I should direct my query? (Sue)

We sent Sue a letter from a "fan" (i.e. us) from Spain, and told her we had no idea what it said. She agreed to help translate.

This letter was not written by anyone in Spain-- or even any Hispanic AT ALL. It would appear to have been put through a software translator program but there are obvious errors that even a program would not include. This not fan
mail at all. It's hate mail:

Hola Ooze!   ENGLISH: Hello, Ooze!

SPANISH: Como esta usted? Tu periodical es muy fuerte y brazo. Tan humorosa que el rey
de espana. Te gusta comer los cabezas del pollo? Yo leo en la biblioteca de
carne en Matamoros. Es un cuidad mas flaco y hermoso de Los Angeles. Esta
cuidad es un cuidad del diablo.

ENGLISH TRANSLATION: How are you? Your periodical is very strong and arm. So humorous as the King of Spain. Do you like to eat chicken heads? I read in the meat library of
Matamoros. It is a skinny city and more beautiful than Los Angeles. This
city is a city of the devil.

SPANISH: En realmente, no me gusta tu periodical. No me gusta mucho. Me gusta usa el
garrote en los perros. Da un inyeccion a los gallinos grandes. Yo querio que
mato todos los hijos en el mundo. Por que Ooze me dija.

ENGLISH TRANSLATION: In reality, I don't like your periodical <<periodico>>. <<periodical is not a word in Spanish, guess he means newspaper.>> I don't like it much. I like
use the rod in the dogs. Give an injection to the big chickens <<gallinas>>.
I wanted <<queria>> to kill all the children in the world. Because Ooze lets
me. <<deja>>

SPANISH: Quiero tirar un balazo en su estomacho y miro a tu sangre en el calle. Deso
que el espiritu de Fransico Franco besa el ano de su mama!

ENGLISH: I want to shoot a bullet into your stomach <<estomago>> and I see your blood
in the street. I wish <<deseo>> that Francisco Franco's spirit should kiss
your mother's ass!

Adios Amigo! Goodbye Friend!

If you'd like to use Sue's services, contact her at

We've had problems with America Online. For some reason, they just don't like Ooze. Since issue#1, I've created a specia "online" version of Ooze which I deleted the naughty bits out. This worked fine for two years, until issue #9. After the second rejection of the file, I recieved this letter:

I can not accept your file Ooze #10 PG for the Desktop publishing forum as it stands. I continue to look look at your Pickup Lines chapter and see the same stuff. I don't consider myself to be a prude, but as far as I'm concerned, this is all "wink, wink, knudge, knudge" stuff that many of our members will find offensive, particularly when they see their kids downloading material such as this. For example:
Pick-Up Lines Guaranteed to Work:

My, those glasses are becoming on you! But I'd be deleted too if I were sitting on your face!

Have I introduced you to my friend, Mr. Harry

Are those chocolate kisses on your female mamillian ducts or are you just happy to see me?

Can I borrow a cup of
deleted pie I'm baking? No? How about a pinch of deleted?

My deleted is on fire! Can I summon your water brigade?

May I stick my
deleted in your deleted now, or do I have to pretend I like you first?

deleted is a spy and it needs to seek your safehouse.
Deleting four-letter words is not necessarily the answer.

After another round of edits I got this letter:

I'm really pleased that you've expressed a willingness to work with our forum with respect to your publication. I've spent some time reviewing the edited and unedited issues of Ooze and respect your wit and creativity.

However, it's my opinion, and that of others of our staffers that your publications don't fit the direction of our forum, or of the majority of the members who participate here. To "sanitize" your pubs would be to neuter them -- and would require a great deal of work in the bargain.

It isn't just the sexual stuff; the newsletter, in my opinion, fails a number of TOS requirements, including the first three which deal with forbidden activity on AOL. These are:

(1) harass, threaten, embarrass or cause distress, unwanted attention or discomfort upon another Member or user of AOL or other person or entity,
(2) post or transmit sexually explicit images or other content which is deemed by AOL Inc. to be offensive,
(3) transmit any unlawful, harmful, threatening, abusive, harassing, defamatory, vulgar, obscene, hateful, racially, ethnically or otherwise objectionable Content.

Please understand that this our forum's (my) interpretation. Other fora may determine that the publications are appropriate for them. Similarly, I am not condemning the publications or employing censorship.

I have also visited the web site which has been included in our Members Web Sites area and have removed it from the list, for the obvious reasons.

We appreciate your participation on AOL and are anxious to work with you in areas which should be mutually beneficial. Thanks for understanding . . .
Robin McAllister

My reply:

I have been posting issues of Ooze magazine in this forum for over 2 years and NOW it's suddenly "innapropriate" for the entire web and desktop publishing forum? I think a simple, "no" instead of deleting every single issue of Ooze might have sufficed. You have to admit the way the TOS is worded the Smurfs could be interpreted as a degrading stereotype of blue midgets.

You may have read in Ooze #9 that the magazine had recently been featured in an exhibit at the New York New Museum of Contemporary Art. The curator of the show said that Ooze was the first zine she had ever encountered online. She found the zine in your forum.

It's opportunities like that which make AOL worthwhile. For some reason, I've chosen to stay on at this plagued service provider. I've had little reason to complain in the past, but I guess I do now.

Matt. . .
I was just gonna let it sit, but your letter deserves a reply.

I agree that the way TOS is worded "the Smurfs could be interpreted as a degrading stereotype of blue midgets" -- but there aren't very many blue midgets out there. Maybe an aging Druid in the peat bogs of Wales or Scotland. And I *do* tend to be somewhat conservative.

My decision is less based on specifics than it is on the tone of the 'zine. (I suppose that's why AOL defines its profanity guidelines to include words altered, but still clearly recognizable [like sm*rf, if li'l blue critters were profane] As I said earlier, to "sanitize" Ooze would truly neuter it.

If you can come up with a scheme (in all its best definitions) to keep the positive flavor of the 'zine, without the negatives, I'm open to it. But I'd want it to be a reflection of the true 'zine, not a wimped out "for the DWP Forum only" version. Truthfully, I don't think it's fair to ask you to do that, anymore than it would be fair to the "gentle reader" of the squeaky-clean version to think they'd be in for more of the same on the web site.

We're looking for a variety of expression. (It would be a boring world if everyone thought and wrote as I do.) I hope that in the future -- perhaps with another 'zine, or as Ooze evolves -- that we'll be able to include you.

Thanks for your interest in AOL and in the DWP Forum.
Robin McAllister

So, don't look for Ooze on AOL. If I were less lazy, I'd cancel my account. --ed.

(Re: "International Impressions" in OOZE #9)
Is this what you ate in Montreal? Didn't you get a bellyache?:

n. Nautical.
A canoe made from a hollowed tree trunk; a piragua.
[French, from Spanish piragua. See PIRAGUA.]
- Marshall Deutsch (

Yes, that's exactly what I ate in Montreal. My pirogue was sharp, painful, and didn't even have any pork inside of it. It took two weeks to digest, and for that, I hate all of Canada--ed.

I would like to stop subscribing your e-zine.
tia markus golla

No. Your e-mail address is funnier than anything we could ever hope to write. Picture this: young Tia Markus Golla is sequestered in a small German cafe, watching a blond, thin-lipped girl smoke a cigarette as she reads Emmanuel Kant. He saunters over to her table, greasy bratwurst in hand. He smiles. Their eyes meet. She asks for his e-mail address. When he tells her, she thinks it is Dada poetry and spits on him. Good luck, Tia. You'll need it. --ed.

I'm a 17 yr. old manly man (haha) surfin through the web. I came upon your mag. and thought it was pretty funny, until I came to the "Teen Heros Through the Ages" article in Ooze #8. Now, I'm not one of those nerdy school boys- in fact, I have been "class clown" (funniest person) for 3 years running.

N-E ways, I was very offended of the way you made light of my Lord and savior. I think that some things are sacred and should be left sacred, things like the Christ. Also, President Abraham Lincoln is one of the greatest presidents that ever lived. He did so much for our country. To take what he stood for, since was a christian, and make perverted remarks about him, is downright wrong.

Does "class clown" really mean "funniest person"? We weren't sure. We thought it meant "tallest midget" or "most likely to become a hairless dog." In Jesus' yearbook (class of 17 AD), he was voted "class clown"--but not "funniest person"--and Abraham Lincoln was voted "nicest eyes". Any person who was voted "class clown" or "nicest eyes" is certainly sacred, and to be held in the highest regard. That's why we're selling "Jesus Screws Honest Abe In The Ass" dashboard figurines for $25 a pop. Kiss Lincoln's exposed buttocks for some good Christian luck! --ed.

You have an excellent magazine. For adults that is. In the kids corner (From Ooze #6? -ed.) you have inapropriate language. That is very wrong of you and about having six babes in a hot tub all to your self. Whoever writes that GET A LIFE because its not like you can get them. writing in a magazine is just a cover up for your real personality. (Kelly Kruljac)

Mayhaps, young Kelly, you've learned about the Mormons in your fancy school. Then you would understand what POLYGAMY is and how people have been oppressed by the United States government for practicing their religous beliefs.

I did exagerate a bit though. I have only four beatuiful wives (how I wish I could have six!) who live with me in my cabin in the glorious state of Utah. I understand that this may be alien to you, and you may be frigtened of it, but I assure you that it is all in good clean fun. (although my wives tell me I DO curse too much, tarnation!)
May the Lord Be With You,
Matthew Ezikiel Patterson III

I am proud to say that Ooze is one of my "pride and joy" bookmarks. I like it because it is every women's secret desire to read and interact with content such as that of "ooze": extremely fraternal, immature, disgusting, well-written, intelligent, and thoughtful. See what I mean by secret desire? No sane woman would ever admit to you that stuff like Ooze is entertaining. . . That would be too un-p.c.

What good is a bookmark on the computer? Duh-uh! Hello! A "bookmark" is something with Garfield on it that you buy at the local SuperCrown. Why don't you spend less time worrying about what's "pc" on your PC and more time purchasing handy appliances to make your life easier? It'll help you later in life when you're a homemaker with twelve children suckling.--ed.

I read all the back issues of Ooze in one sitting. I laughed so hard I burst a kidney. My lawyer will be contacting you shortly. Concerning the Ooze (unofficial?) mascot/logo: I think the baby should be smoking a small French cigarette.

The problem with your plan is that the Baby already smokes- cigars. He simply REFUSES to pose with a French, or even American cigarette. You might think it cruel to allow the baby to stunt his growth, but if we don't keep that baby smokin' it might GROW UP.

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