One day, we started getting e-mail from people unable to visit our website. I wrote our old provider,, and received this reply from the President of Illuminati Online, Ken Jackson:

Dear Matt:

Your account was suspended for two separate reasons. One, your account was delinquent, and two, we have received reports that you, or at least someone referencing your IO account, is spamming the rec.arts.sf.starwars. misc newsgroup. Your account is now paid up... [stuff deleted about them screwing up a simple credit card transaction.]

I don't know if you are personally responsible for the post below, and others like it, or if they come from a friend or associate of yours, or  merely someone who shares your own tastes.

Also, I don't think there is any way that you can convince me that you are *not* either involved or responsible.

> Subject: Visit Capatin Caca's Homepage! > From: Captain Caca <suckmyfeces@po>
> Reply-To: suckmyfeces@poo
> Organization: Poop Productions
> Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars. misc
> Visit my homepage at: ooze/poo.GIF
referenced GIF is quite possibly pornographic, and I have referred this issue to our legal department for an opinion. Until I receive a response I will not take any further actions regarding this account. Specifically, I will not allow you to access it in any way, including transferring or removing files. You may expect an opinion within a week.

dear Ken:
I am not a poop eater, nor are any of my friends or associates. I don't go around Star Wars groups claiming that I have the hottest 'poo pics'. AND if I am promoting ANYTHING on the internet it would be the site's main URL. Check the rest of the site yourself and you will see the context the picture is in.

On the web, people CAN take these things out of context. Anyone can claim a web address is 'theirs' by the anonymity. And 'Captain Caca' did just that.

The address on your server is a very valuable commodity to me, and the readers of Ooze. I have spent too many hours promoting it to throw it all away. (The most recent bit of national publicity was a glowing review on NPR's "The World" where they talked about it for a whole segment.)

I hope that this can be resolved quickly, and to everyone's satisfaction.

Thank you,
Matt Patterson

I've turned [the website] back on but removed the pictures in question. I hate playing censor, but this seems entirely too flagrant to ignore. I expect a formal response from the Austin Police Department tomorrow. I'm not interested in getting you in trouble, but if they don't like it I expect you to remove all references from our site. OTOH, if they don't mind, well, I'm not a critic.

KEN JACKSON was an utter ass who freaked out over a humor zine. Ken, IMHO, YAAA (figure that one out.) I understand that he doesn't want his company to get into any more legal hot water (The Feds confiscated all their parent company's computers back in the 80's for a hacking game they thought was real manual for hacking) BUT c'mon! Tattlin' to the po-lice?

So after a long month, Ooze came back online at where it still sits pointing to the new site NOT hosted by io -. BOYCOTT IO.COM! Poo Pics forever!

hatemail.gifDear Dumbass Ooze:

You must have to much free time on your hands between the time you wake  up in the morning and jack off and the time you go to bed and jack off. by the way your a fucking loser.

later dick heads,

Actually, between morning and nighttime masturbation, the OOZE staff has very little free time left. You'd be surprised, but here's how it all breaks down:

11:00 AM Wake Up. Jerk Off.
12:00 Noon Enjoy hot breakfast in the OOZE commissary.
1:00 PM Naptime. Possible Jerk Off opportunity.
4:00 PM "Judge Mills Lane."
5::00 PM Editorial Staff Meeting. May Jerk Off in bathroom adjoining conference area.
5:15 PM Dinner at Le Dome on the Sunset Strip.
7:00 PM Conference Call With Korean Office.
9:30 PM Jerk Off. Contemplate Loserdom.
10:00 PM Lights Out.

You can see it's very difficult even to find the time to answer your letter.

So, you're a wannabe "The Onion" then? Too bad [Ooze is] not done as well. Many people appreciate satire -- as I do -- but sometimes it can be too subtle or realistic-seeming to be funny.

So, if we did a piece on plane crashes and showed pictures of bodies floating in the water with a caption reading, "They should have never had the fish!" -would that be too subtle?  Or what if we published a riff on professional wrestling entitled, "Stone Cold Steve Austin's MENSA Smackdown!" Probably too realistic-seeming for you, huh?

Maybe you should go watch another episode of Moesha and laugh your ass off.


I got very horny of looking at your page. I had to cool off with a whisky on the rocks I tought leather looks very good on you. Hope we can meet on one of my camping trips around in Germany.

kiss and fuck
Guldbrann from Norway.

Ooze is what the internet is fucking made for. Besides of course porn and radical, violent, terrorist groups.

I am not certain if i should be amused or disgusted with Ooze....then again, a little Ooze never hurt anybody.

Curry Murry
Fish Bait
PMS (Purple Melon Spectacular)
Intestinal Swirl
Corn Corn Corn
Leftover Surprise
Fruity Puss
Sexcellent Spicy Rum Concocktion
The Five Cheeses

I am french and I just read your point of view about France and french ("Mis Impressiones Internacionale; issue #9) I think your opinion is the one of a narrow-minded, ignorant bastard who has never left his country. And you seem proud about it, you are really pathetic... French food is certainly the healthiest on earth and the more tasteful too...but when you are a pig raised to eat american junk food, saturated in fat and shit, that's normal you can't enjoy the richness of french food... There's just one point I agree with you : the fact that french people suck, they are as narrow minded and conformist as you. (Guillaume Petit)

Dear Frenchy:

Even though you people now have nuclear weapons, you still are a bunch of effete pussies. Americans are strong and proud... and do you know why? Junk Food!

Our staff feels that while they've eaten a number of strange things at Taco Bell and Carl's Jr over the years, they can't think of a single food item that was actually saturated in shit. But now, I realize that it must be the secret ingredient that has kept us so strong!

God Bless Our Superior Crap!


sat_maul.gifWe have tons (over 5 megs) of Star Wars Hate Mail. Do you have a website with hatemail? Maybe we should get a book together.

Listen, I am a devout Christian and go to church every week and worship  Christ. You people are sickening to even use a stupid movie as an  excuse to tell people they are turning from God, no one would ever  believe in the Force over Christ, its JUST A MOVIE!!! And the  comparisons you make, R2-D2 to BAAL??? You people are CRAZY!!! You're  looking for stuff that just isn't there!!!

If god really didn't want us seeing star wars he would have stopped the movie from coming out. He would have sent lightning to hit the truck that carried the movie he  would have done SOMETHING to stop it.

(Ooze sent a letter trying to explain the website is a satire put out by a magazine--this was the reply)

I don't think it's very funny [that you put the force is a tool of satan up as a joke], and a lot of people thought you actually believe that crap. It makes YOU look like an idiot, which it's obvious you are.

You're right. The fact that a lot of people believed that crap definitely makes US look like idiots. But if God were in the mood to throw lightning bolts at movie theatres, where was he during the release of Deuce Bigalowe: Male Gigolo?

Hello it is me again writing you for a second time [first letter deleted] i will write you everyday from now on until your ultimately degrading site is no longer on the internet. I have been to it twice now and every time i look at it i see pure stupidity and people who have taken a simple movie as seriously as can be. aformentioned in my first letter i am friends to hundreds of star wars fans online and off line and not one seriously will admit if bugged that they believed in the force and would risk their lives on it. I will take whatever legal means neccesary to get your page down.

YODA.jpgThe next day we got a third letter...

You know after hours of deep thought i still can't think of the words to say how much i hate you. I know now that you think i am crazy and i probably am because most of the things i do can get me sent to jail for long terms periods. I just want you to know that if i ever met one of you walking down the street i will personally give you a vasectomy with a spoon.

Ok, you got us. This isn't a joke at all!  "Star Wars" is bad because it inspires heretical devotion to a false myth, and the producers of the film do nothing to disguise this. We feel Lucasfilm should put warnings on the videos addressing the fact that there is a "fake" religion contained within and to please be advised that it is not real!

However, there are a few members of the staff who've been meaning to get vasectomies for some time now. A spoon is probably more affordable than anything on the company's HMO--let's talk.

Is Ooze a magazine or something? If it is, I hope almighty God, in his infinite wisdom, curses the damn thing and your ratings and circulation drop to absolute zero. get a fucking clue

The lovely thing about the internet is that ratings and circulation have nothing to do with a magazine's ability to publish. By lowering the economic cost of mass distribution, there are going to be some people with some really wacky ideas out there. Get used to it.

That said, more people have read OOZE than watch any given sitcom on UPN.


I live a life of thoughtless pleasure in Africa, where I shoot Rhino and eat soft-boiled natives for fun and profit. But were it not for OOZE, my life would be a fraction of it's current self. Why? Because it's imperialist teachings have shown me the way to true, glorious third-world exploitation. Long live OOZE!

Other uses for OOZE-
Stops bleeding in haemophiliacs
Invokes Satan in three out of five cases
Provides a cheap alternative to an enema
Mocks the Pope (an enticing after-dinner trick) Induces epilepsy in most goats
Cures Cancer
Causes Cancer again
Mops up coffee
Causes rains of fish

Yours sincerely,
Jumping Jehosophat's trusty mug bearer (

OOZE has no problem with you revealing its cancer-healing properties, or its ability to cause rains of fish. However, it's the mopping up of coffee that we really can't cop to. Keep a lid on that one, Jungle Jim.

SUBJECT: Ooze is Great!
NOT!!!!! You people need lives... I hope you don't do this shit for a living. It's actually kind of funny to think that there are people out there who really think that you people are funny. What the fuck are you guys thinking? Were you molested as children or something? What the fuck? Do you not see that this shit isn't funny? Where have you guys been, freeze dried, or doing hard time? It astonishes me that there are people in this world as stupid, and utterly pathetic as the people who actually think that this publication has even a gram of humor. Would you please tell me what the fuck is the problem with your readers (you do understand that this is true don't you?)

After wallowing through the reams of loving fan mail we usually get,  we found your hate-filled rant.

Let me let you in on something-you're right.

Our readers are pathetic sniveling worms with the collective sense of humor of a drunk, date raping frat-boy high on rubbing alcohol and burning plastic. Each and every day at our downtown offices, we slap each other on the back and laugh in amazement that we are so popular.

Thank God we have a few intelligent readers like yourself who are clever enough (We LOVE that pithy 'NOT' at the beginning of your message. Can we borrow that?) to see through the bullshit. Damn!

Gotta run and cash those royalty checks. Let us know if you come up with any really smart ideas for the magazine. We won't bother mentioning them to any of our uncouth readers, but the staff (which normally gathers to read James Thurber on Friday afternoons) will certainly appreciate it.

All hate mail can be addressed to and will be passed around the office and laughed at.

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