Links Ahoy!

Keep those links a'-commin'! Link your site to Ooze and I'll put your site here­ now matter how sucky it is!

One of my few "paying" jobs is to review websites for actual print magazines. I've written for The 'Net Magazine and I'm now writing for Internet Underground in which a few of these reviews have appeared.

View past links featured in Ooze #8

Oh, What Banners We Have Wrought
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Internet Ungerground's September Top10 site!
BradNet awards us a
Sucker Swank Site Sticker swank.gif (3k)

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These nutty dudes just gave me a banner, not an award, but it sort of fills the space nicely.

Ooze in the News
This guy who brokered a billion dollar deal between two rail companies and is now president of Firefly mentioned in an article in Pathfinder that he wishes he coud have created Ooze. Here's an open letter to him.

Dear Rich Guy:
I read in an article that you wish you could have come up with Ooze magazine or even Suck. Everyone knows Suck, which is real famous and was bought by Wired, but Ooze, on the other hand, is not owned by anyone except for some weirdo who sits around in his underwear at a cranky-old laptop all day. I hear he doesn't even have arms, for christsakes!

Here's my proposition: This guy is desperate. I know for a fact if you offer him $100,000 -not only would you own 21 megabytes of the finest comedy on Earth- but he'd erase his name from it and put yours in his place! Instant authorship without any of the hassles!

I hear his mother is in the hospital now and he's not thinking clearly. The time to strike is now! Contact him at at once!

A Concerned Ooze Reader

The Sleestacks are the freaky rubber-suited beings-from-another-time that haunt Sid & Marty Krofft's "Land of the Lost". These enigmatic lizard people left an indelible impression on the brain of anyone who watched the show when it first came out. This site is an electronic homage to those forgotten villains with an essay by the author, and a place to leave comments of your own for others to share. Move some colored crystals around your stony computer and take a look.

Funky World of Dolemite
Rudy Ray Moore created the rappin' and tappin' Dolemite who starred in a series of kung-fu Blaxploitation movies in the seventies. This site celebrates Moore's long career and Blaxploitation films in general. Here you can play Dolemite Jeopardy, check out the Dolemite pimp dictionary, read Rudy's rhymes, and support Dolemite for President. Get your rat-soup eatin' honky mother-fuckin' ass on over.

The Hulk
The 70's TV show, The Incredible Hulk, is on the Sci-Fi channel...but only in Europe. This site provides a complete list of all the episodes that are going to air for you if you're planning a trip to Paris sometime soon. But you don't have to leave your room to appreciate the site's best feature. When you poke the picture of Bill Bixby, he slowly turns into a very green Lou Ferigno. Right before your eyes! If you click on Lou, watch out- he lets out a monstrous roar. You'd get angry too if someone kept poking at you.

DeForrest Kelley
Dammit, Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a webmaster! Although plagued by a few technical problems, this site's worth checking out. It features some weird 'heart-wrenching' stories. Read an unapologetic fan's account of how DeForrest started her writing career- all told as she washes his star on Hollywood Blvd. She's out of her Vulcan mind!

Japanese Movie Ticket Stubs
Japanese movie theaters sell special tickets one month or more in advance of their release date. These tickets are not only discounted around twenty percent, but are small, well-designed publicity posters. Cruise through this enormous collection. Call me a cultural bigot, but it's pretty odd to see Woody Allen poised over Japanese script like a Toho megamonster. "Ahhhh! Look out! The giant nebbish is on the loose!"

Jeff's Guide to the Star Wars Drinking Game
Alcoholic science fiction fans rejoice! Now you can indulge in your two favorite pastimes simultaneously. This site clearly sets out the rules for an extraordinary drinking game. Pop in one of the Star Wars movies and when any of the listed events happens -Luke whines, a Rebel Pilot says, "I've been hit!", etc.- everyone drinks. A text version is also supplied so you don't have to drunkenly fumble with your expensive computer. Please don't drink and use the Force.

Wacky Packs
My mother's washing machine still has the remains of a 'Land O' Quakes' sticker plastered to it. These Topps cards were not only funny, but vaguely frightening to small children. This site is a complete sticker collection in easy-to-download .jpg file format.

Spewww's SlutMachine
The Slut Machine serves up three tiny semi-naked women every time you pull the lever. If all three match, you 'win' a huge .jpg file of the girl to take home with you and call upon in a time of need. One day there will be enough bandwidth to download the whole girl, but until then, this will have to do.

Ms .45
Fresh from Austrailia, this e-zine is published by a saucy University student who isn't afraid to be Frank. Ok- so she's not a cross-dresser- but there's some Ooze-style humor and great stuff about her sexual experimentation. It's Austrailian for 'funny'.

The Intellivision Archives
I collect old videosystems from thrift stores. Why? Most likely because my parents wouldn't buy me onw when I was little. The best one I have, by far is the Intellivision. The games are cool and it even has the most primitive talking technology ever. This site has everything you need to know about it. Even the instructions on how to play a lot of the games. Let me tell you, when you buy a dusty Bowling cartridge at someone's garage sale, you'll need these directions.

Browse a large sampling of Retard, a paper zine for the mentally deficient. There's a great piece about "The People in My Brother's Class" where they take old yearbook photos and reminice about them. Put the whole thing on the web, man -or are you just stupid?

Annie Sprinkle's Public Cervix
This is a picture of performance artist Annie Sprinkle's very own cervix, as seen with the aid of an array of gynocological tools. Personally, I like the picture of the guy looking into her vagina with the flashlight. A must for aspiring doctors everywhere!

Cigars A Go-Go
Las Vegas is one of the few places in the U.S. where cigar smoking isn't riding the crest of a Gen X fad. Cigar smokers in the City Of Sin tend to be a little older...a little more set in their ways. But the Las Vegas Cigar Company takes a bold step toward hipness with its groundbreaking new website. I enjoyed this site's FAQS, and its descriptions of how cigars are hand made in the shop. If you're in Vegas yourself, check out the store's new walk-in humidor, and sample a huge 8x3/4" Excalibur (with sweet flavor added). Ooze readers can use all this info to sham their way into much hipper circles. After you go to this site, all you'll need to know is the difference between single malt and blended scotch. -mj loheed

Anti-Recycling Page
Dirty up the Earth- for progress! This site promotes pollution to it's foulest extreme, even harkening back to 1994's Ooze #2 (or #1 if going by the mac editions) where we dispense tips to Help Destroy the Earth. A noble cause if there ever was such a thing.

Oh, the caustic humor of Bretzky's Bullshit. The story about Bert and Ernie's forbidden romance made me cry.

freeverse software has provided many "games" for our Stupidest Shareware columns. They also make some not-so-stupid software.

Bacteria Pudding is not just a dish served in High School cafeterias worldwide, but an e-zine with a microrganic perspective.

Why would anyone Worship Wonko? I have no idea, but you can download this document and sign you life over to the only god who's name better suits a clown than an all-powerful being.

Pudge's Shockwave Comix promises to be cool. Although he won't admit it, the rest of his pages aren't bad either.

Cruise through school with access to really bad term papers at SchoolSucks. You might not get an "A", but what the hell? I submitted my 8th grade science paper titled, "Pyramid Power and Milk", let's hope they use it.

In Serial Killers vs. Mass Murderers author Andy Savage argues that the Serial Killer is King and Mass Murderers are a bunch of frustrated pussies.

Author of this issue's hate mail, Kevin Buchli's Fruitbat Motel. It's like for skaters, dude.

Havoc is filled with free-speech weirdness. Of course you have to go through miles of disclaimers to get there.

For a whole mess of musica go to Shoofly. This multimedia-rich site crams in a bazillion links to indie rock resources.

I got this weird e-mail from a girl who only identified herself as "Lisa" recommending Babeview. This would probably be a clever marketing ploy if I were retarded. "Oh yeah, Lisa. Right. The girl with the big fake breasts I know. This site must good if "Lisa" told me so!

Is Hipcrime a weird zine or some piece of bad avante internet art? You decide.

Radical Sex has links to all the weirdo sex stuff you'd expect out of the internet.

The evil Scapegoat fucks with your copy of Netscape making it open an infinite amount of windows. It's neat how easy it is to screw everyone up!

Celebrate this issue's International Theme with Jimmy McNulty's Bonnie Scotland.Read the poetry about willing bonnie lass' and the whisky they drink- very inspiring.

Encounter delicious Vomit Stories and yak your brains out. Personally I wanted to see some accompanying puke pictures, but that's just immature little 'ole me.

With new Super Networking Technology, you can talk to Sandra Bullock- Live 23 hours a day!

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Ooze #9 ----- International Issue

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Ooze Magazine
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits